Carter's birthmom called and asked to spend the last couple of hours with him, which we were more than happy to let her do. I teared up when I left the room telling Cory how I cannot imagine how hard this is about to be. "God please give us the strength, please give her the confidence that we will be what she wants us to be for him... God please just be with us"
Previously, it was easy to think about the baby and know that even though this could be very hard on the mother... it was in the best interest of the baby. She wanted him to have a good life, love God, and be respectful... and we could do that. I had always prayed for her strength and admired her selfless decision... but the reality of it did not hit until this morning.
As I wheeled Carter down to her room, my stomach was in knots and I kept fighting back tears. Though she will get pictures, letters, and updates... this could possibly be the last time she ever saw him... possibly the last time to ever hold him.
Those first moments in her room... I cannot put them into words. I asked if she wanted me to step out so she could spend time with him and she said no she wanted me to stay. I pulled a chair up beside her and handed Carter to her for the last time.
My heart ached, everything inside of me was tearing apart but I was trying to stay strong. She smiled and kept looking at him. Then she started crying and I could no longer hold back my emotions. You could see the love in her eyes, the love for him and it broke my heart thinking about what she was dealing with. She could love this child like he needed to be loved, but she knew she could not provide and give him the things she wanted him to have.
After a few moments things got easier and we talked and laughed and shared about thirty more minutes together... Then the nurse did her discharge teaching and the case manager got her prescriptions and in ten minutes it would be time to leave. Cory came in to say goodbye and that's when things got so emotional.
She told us congratulations and gave Carter back to us for the final time
There was no holding tears back anymore, all the pain I felt for her just poured out. I told her thank u and couldn't do anything but hug her and we both cried... Hard.
I thanked her for letting us into her life and into her heart. I thanked her for being so kind, and told her how much I admired her strength. Then I promised her that we would fulfill every wish she had for this sweet child... Then the answered prayer happened and she told us how much she loved us. She told us that she is leaving feeling okay because she knows he's in our hands. I prayed so hard the month that we were match that when she met us she would like us... That she would think we were good enough to parent and love. And she did...
As I write the post through misty eyes because tears are flowing and my heart hurts i cannot help but just Praise God for putting together this plan for our lives. She is such an inspiration and her strength will never be forgotten. We now have a baby boy. One that I have prayed for since I was old enough to know what kids were. My life ambition was to be a Christian wife, mother and nurse and I am now all three.
God thank you... For this whole experience. For placing us with the most amazing birth mom a couple could hope for and for putting the most beautiful child in our lives. God, thank you!
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths."